[PDF] Download The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships Ebook. AND IN RELATIONSHIPS BY RANDY PATERSON PDF The Assertiveness Workbook: How To Express Your Ideas And Stand Up For Yourself At Work And In. Your ability to be assertive will affect everything you do, in every area of your life. When you find it difficult to be assertive you may find that you think or feel the.
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The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and and millions of other books are available for Amazon Kindle. Assertiveness: How to Stand Up for Yourself and Still Win the Respect of. In The Assertiveness Workbook, Dr. Randy J. Paterson combines science and clinical. Download as PDF, TXT or read online from Scribd vi The Assertiveness Workbook CHAPTER 10 GIVING HELPFUL POSITIVE FEEDBACK CHAPTER The assertiveness workbook by Randy J. Paterson; 1 edition; First published in ; Subjects: In library, Assertiveness, communication.
And passive. Name of person Style they expect: Her father demanded absolute obedience and her mother modeled it. If you adopt a more pleasant and relaxed assertive style. An unassuming man in his late forties.
Like this document? Why not share! An annual anal Embed Size px. Start on. Show related SlideShares at end. WordPress Shortcode. AndyVazquezw Follow. Published in: Full Name Comment goes here. Are you sure you want to Yes No. Be the first to like this. No Downloads. Views Total views. Actions Shares. Embeds 0 No embeds. No notes for slide. The Assertiveness Workbook: Description Effective communication is a critical skill that influences your professional success, the stability of your family life, and your personal happiness.
Your ability to communicate effectively is seriously hampered if you can't assert yourself constructively. If you've ever felt paralyzed by an imposing individual or strongly argued opposing point of view, you know that a lack of assertiveness can leave you feeling marginalized and powerless.
The Assertiveness Workbook contains effective, cognitive behavioral techniques to help you become more assertive. Learn how to set and maintain personal boundaries without becoming inaccessible. Become more genuine and open in relationships without fearing attack. To be there. And just read. To pacify those who might disapprove of you. In this workbook you will learn about many of the basic skills and ideas involved in being more fully present in your world and your life.
Other people see life as little more than a competition. Anything to keep yourself from really being there. Not so that others will bow down to us or hide themselves from us. The effort to control others makes life uncontrollable. Their views must be accepted. You may recognize assertive strategies in others more readily. To expose our flaws. The issue will be forced. The real solution? And they begin drifting away to the exits. Many of these skills you already know.
Not much. And should anyone not give in. And neither your behavior nor your life will change. Extinguishing the self is not an option. The anger is never really satisfied. Perhaps something holds you back from being yourself with others. If this sounds more like it.
Is this the time for it? Are you able—and willing—to spend the time that it may take to change your style? If not.
Doing so will involve a greater investment on your part. How would you react? Tape recorders and video cameras can also be immensely helpful. Throughout the book you will find a series of self-assessments. Maybe asking them will be your first assignment for yourself.
Using Yourself as a Partner One of the best sources of feedback you can have is yourself. You may be reading this book as part of an assertiveness training group. Carry out the practice exercises. After all. You will still be able to carry out most of the exercises and suggestions. You can record your practice sessions and play them back. Find a pen. If being more assertive is important to you. That way you can practice some of the techniques together.
Being There 3 But perhaps you are dissatisfied with your way of dealing with people. Then you can concentrate on. You may wish. As you watch your performance. Whether or not you are working with someone else.
Fake insults. Sooner or later. The feedback you give each other can be invaluable.
Carry out some of the exercises in front of a mirror. Or perhaps it is hard for you to tolerate differences in others or to hold back from trying to control them. Do the work. Maybe you find yourself over- whelmed by fear. March 12 Time: Your nephew is welcome to apply. Feelings Afterward: Anger at myself. If it was other than assertive. Use one form for each challenging interaction you have.
Your Response: Record your behavior in the situation and classify it as assertive. You can take advantage of these situations by recording what happened and how you handled it and then working out a more assertive alternative. In fact. Difficult interactions happen to most of us fairly often. Assertiveness Scorecards Luckily. Alternative Response: At the back of the workbook see page Then get to work. Anger at Paul for trying to manipulate me. This is easier than trying to express yourself and evaluate your performance at the same time.
If anyone objects because they think you are violat- ing our copyright. How did it turn out? He expects me to hire the guy. Eventually you will find that you come up with the assertive response right there. You will have made unwelcome situa- tions welcome. They may be right. Because these definitions form the keystone of everything that follows. One reason that The Assertiveness Workbook may be inappropriate for vio- lent relationships is that you will be encouraged to deal with troublesome situa- tions directly and assertively as you feel ready for them.
Specialized help will be needed to reduce this risk. Being There 5 As you use these forms you will find that you gradually become better and better at coming up with assertive responses. Chapter 1 defines the four primary communi- cation styles: Notice what you will have done.
Many of these people believe that assertive- ness training might help them to deal with the violence of others or reduce the temptation to engage in violence themselves. You will want to pay special attention to the chapters on those topics. If someone close to you is violent. And as you read this work- book you will be able to apply the concepts discussed to your own life.
If violence plays a part in any of your relationships. Eventu- ally the more effective responses will occur to you right in the situation. There may be certain areas. Assertive strategies are designed to help you maintain control over your own life while letting go of attempting to control others. If you have a history of violence yourself.
But these problems deserve more specialized attention than a workbook such as this one can provide.
They are opportunities. Unless this is dealt with carefully. Most people will find that at least part of each chapter applies to their own situation. They are no longer threats or disappointments.
If you are reading this manual as part of an assertiveness training group. A Caution about Violent Relationships Some people find themselves in violent relationships—sometimes with family members. Organization of This Book Which parts of this workbook should you use? Probably all of it. Please seek help to deal with this issue.
Chapters 9 through 12 consider the issues of providing and receiving feedback in relationships. Over the years you may have unintentionally led oth- ers to expect nonassertive behavior from you. Being assertive requires 1 that you have some very specific skills and 2 that you use these skills when it is appropriate to do so.
Nonverbal communication tells others about our expectations. But first. Once you have dealt with the barriers to assertive behavior. Chapters 2 through 4 describe the barriers to assertive behavior.
Are you able to express your opinion effectively while leaving room for others to think differently? This essential relationship skill lies at the heart of the concept of being present with others and is discussed in chapter 8. Chapter 5 suggests a series of positive. It includes exercises designed to help you determine which of the styles you use the most and which situations you find most diffi- cult. It also presents reasons why the assertive style usually works better than the alternatives.
Sugges- tions are provided on how to reduce stress in your life and overcome stress- related barriers to effective communication. Each chapter in this section includes one or more practical exercises designed to help you to master the skills. Chapter 2 reviews the impact of stress on communication and how the stress response actually pulls us away from using the assertive style.
A series of exercises provides strategies for honing an assertive nonverbal style. These beliefs are associated with assertive action and can assist in guid- ing your decisions about the way that you communicate. Becoming aware of self-defeating beliefs is an essential step toward discarding them. Chapter 7 reviews the various elements of nonverbal behavior and compares the assertive.
Even when you have the right skills. Even the best assertive communication can be under- mined by a poor nonverbal style. It will be important for you to make these exercises a priority if you really want to develop your ability to communicate in an assertive way.
In chapter 4 you are invited to consider your own belief system and how it might impose barriers to assertiveness. You might never behave assertively until you have surmounted the belief barrier. Chapter 9 opens the topic by considering a skill that. Chapter 3 discusses how the expectations of others can make it more diffi- cult for us to be assertive. This chapter considers the fears that hold people back and provides a set of skills involved in setting and maintain- ing personal boundaries.
List the chapters here: Being There 7 seems simple but is a surprisingly frequent source of difficulty: Most people are stin- gier with positive feedback than they need to be. Sugges- tions are made for defusing the anger that frequently accompanies negative feedback. The accompanying practice exercises are designed to increase your comfort with these situations. Some people avoid making requests altogether.
Chapter 16 deals with the confrontation itself and presents fif- teen strategies for keeping the discussion on topic and moving toward a solution. In chapter 11 the value of negative feedback is discussed.
You will find self- assessments. All of the skills in the book come into play when you find yourself in diffi- cult conflict-laden situations. Strate- gies are given for providing such feedback in a way that is useful and not hurt- ful. Chapter 14 puts the shoe on the other foot by discussing strategies for making requests of others. A structured four-step strat- egy for phrasing requests is presented. It provides a ten-step preparation strategy that considers issues such as defining the real problem.
Chapter 10 challenges these ideas and provides specific recommendations for giving positive feedback that is useful to the per- son receiving it.
Based on the description of the book given above. Chapter 12 covers behavior that many people avoid and that most others cannot perform effectively: These are essential elements in learning to be more assertive.
The final two chapters deal with confrontation. Some of the most common traps are covered. The ability to refuse unreasonable requests is an essential skill of self-determination. Chapter 15 argues that confrontation is an essential though sometimes painful aspect of almost any close relationship and that adequate preparation on your part can make confrontations go much more smoothly. Take special care with the chapters you have identified. Reread them as neces- sary and ensure that you carry out the associated practice exercises.
As time passes. Each chapter builds on the one before it. Throughout your reading of the book. Human beings are social animals. We constantly communicate with each other. Sometimes to ask directions to the nearest grocery store; sometimes to ask for a date; sometimes to communicate displeasure; sometimes to offer a compliment; sometimes to resolve disputes; sometimes to turn down requests; sometimes to accept. Assertiveness is a style of communication that can be used in all of these situations.
But it is only one of four such styles. The other three are the passive style, the aggressive style, and the passive-aggressive style. Each of these styles is used for a variety of reasons. In most situations, the assertive style is the most effective of the four. Unfortunately, most people do not use the assertive style as often as they could. As a result, their interactions with other people are frustrating and unsatisfying.
As you read them over, you may find yourself trying to see which description fits you the best. This can be useful. Most people use one of the styles more than the others. But remember that the styles are types of communication, not types of people. All of us use each of the four styles at least some of the time.
Try to think of the times that you have used each one. The Passive Style Nadia looked exhausted. She had been referred to a psychologist for symptoms of anxi- ety and depression.
Both were clearly visible on her face. Distressed people sometimes have a convincing mask of confidence that they can present to the world, hiding what they are experiencing. If Nadia had ever had such a mask, it was cracking badly. She described her life. She held a full-time job as a clerk in a small accounting firm and lived in a suburb with her husband and son.
Her mother, who lived across town, was healthy, but she depended on Nadia for everything: They criticized her for helping their mother so much and openly accused her of angling for a larger inheritance.
She described her eleven-year-old son as the joy of her life but lamented the fact that her other duties meant she could not care for him as well as he seemed to need. There was his laundry to do, his bed to make, his room to tidy, his favorite meals to cook, and when she failed to do things exactly right, he pouted and became disappointed with her. She could see why.
Work was stressful. She was the only clerical assistant in the firm and could barely keep ahead of the tide of work and tasks constantly coming her way. She har- bored a fearful knowledge of her own incompetence.
Each time she completed a job they would give her two more. She knew that someday soon she would simply be incapable of getting it all done and they would be shocked to find the imposter in their midst. On top of everything, they never seemed to think to give her a raise.
At one point, Nadia began to weep with anxiety and frustration, saying that she felt her life was unmanageable. She wanted to be convinced otherwise, but she was right: It was no wonder she felt anxious and depressed. She had become a servant to the world. She did nothing that was just for her and had stopped living her own life so long ago that she no longer knew what she might want to do even if she could find the time to do it.
Although she accomplished prodi- gious amounts of work and had developed innumerable skills in the process, she could take pride in none of it, because she secretly felt herself to be a failure and an imposter. Nadia is an excellent example of someone who overuses the passive style. Many of her problems were situational: Her reaction to these stressors, however, was to deny her frustration, take personal responsibility for all of the problems, and hope that things would get better.
Instead, her behavior appeared to be making things worse. The passive style is designed to avoid conflict at all costs. We do this by: Giving in to unreasonable demands from others. The day after my wedding?
Um, well, sure, OK. No, no trouble at all. Going along with the crowd. Oh, uh, yeah, that sounds like a great place! Not offering your opinion until others have offered theirs. For jaywalk- ers? Never criticizing or giving negative feedback.
No, the crayon was just fine. No problem at all. Never doing or saying anything that might attract comment or disapproval. In wolf packs there is an established order of dominance between the ani- mals. I submit to you. Like submis- sive wolves, we may avoid eye contact, appear nervous, look downward, and make ourselves small.
We can think of the passive style as a posture of submis- sion to others. It suggests that the person just sits around saying nothing. Sometimes this is exactly what happens. But, like Nadia, a person using a passive style is often more active than anyone else: All of us can think of certain situations in which we would willingly hand the lead over to others.
The first time we go mountain climbing we might be quite happy to have an expert give us orders. In fact, it would be alarming to have the climbing instructor ask us what to do. In some circumstances, it is just fine to take a secondary or submissive position. We can choose to use a less assertive style.
But often we are not aware of making the choice. Instead, when we behave passively, we often feel helpless, as though we are not in charge of our own lives. This is because passive behavior often results from a belief that we are not allowed to behave any other way. Here are some examples of beliefs that may hold you back: Passive Emotions There are a lot of emotions that support the passive style.
For example: A profound fear of being rejected. Helplessness and frustration at the lack of control over your life. Mike was taking exception to the suggestion that his aggressiveness was doing more harm than good in his life. He dressed well and had a look of confident success about him. Why would you ever become assertive if it never works? In some families. People who rely exclusively on the passive style really are helpless.
How Does the Passive Style Develop? There are a lot of reasons why people adopt a mainly passive style.
She was threatening to leave him. As the only option. All they see as they grow up is aggression or passivity. Some children are taught to be perfectly obedient. As the eldest daughter. She grew up in a family with a tyrannical father and a passive mother.
Mike ran a car dealership and had about thirty employees. Psy- chologist Martin Seligman argues that a sense of helplessness is a primary risk factor for the development of depression. As a child. Some people just never see assertiveness in action. Although obedience to others may be useful during childhood. As a result. The passive style can be useful at times. Resentment at all of the demands being made on you.
Some people grow up in extremely considerate families. Her father demanded absolute obedience and her mother modeled it. She rarely saw assertiveness in action.
He was insulting and definitive whenever he expressed his own views. Their opinions. But as often happens. As he spoke about his life. It is important for us to win. He clearly loved his wife and children but was acutely aware of the dangers of the world. Our aim is to control the behavior of oth- ers through intimidation. Mike frequently found himself losing his temper at work. But in the short term. What Is Assertiveness? Although never physi- cally abusive.
At home he behaved in the same angry. Responding with anger seems perfectly justified. He would shout himself hoarse at least twice a day dealing with suppliers over the phone. He knew that his family was beginning to work around him. We are dominant wolves. As Mike put it. He felt deep discomfort when he saw any member of the family doing. Mike overused the aggressive style. It felt like a loss of control. Although his style made him look frightening and powerful.
Mike had a profound fear of what would happen if he was not in control of everyone around him. He was rigid and authoritarian on disciplinary matters with the children. And twice recently. The aggression was designed to assert control. His staff seemed secretive. Business was tight. The situation seemed unlikely to continue.
He was less aware that his behavior was also a cause. Instead of submit- ting to others. He would order his employees around. The aggressive style is the flip side of the passive style.
Aggression is almost always the result of feeling threatened. Similar to most people with this man- ner. Mike began to reveal his fears. The disagreement between you and the other person is still there.
But the situation has usually been made worse. Why Do People Act Aggressively? How does the aggressive style develop? Here are just a few possibilities: Having an aggressive parent who serves as a model for you. In its place come guilt for hurting the feelings of others.
Failing to see the negative consequences of aggression. Intimidating others into doing what you want may get things done for a while though eventually people will resent you. Being aggressive can make you feel powerful though it makes others feel worse and the feeling of power lasts only for a short time.
Around his father he felt small and powerless. Initial experiences of obtaining what you want through aggression.
If others fear you. He was determined to avoid feeling that way with anyone else. Low self-esteem that causes you to feel threatened by minor difficulties. He would feel anxious whenever anyone had any kind. After behaving aggressively. Alan was intensely sarcastic about the managers of the department. Alan did admit to being disappointed by others and to feeling resentful about some of the things that had hap- pened to him. I forgot them again. When asked whether he had ever raised any of his issues with them.
It was no use. He could never bring himself to express his views honestly to the people involved. He hated working for the government and dwelt on the office politics that swept through his department on every issue from promotions and important policy matters to who got the corner cubicles near the windows.
He was profoundly lonely but feared rejection. And you could always relieve your frustration by talking with your coworkers about the person giving you grief. It was better. He experienced intense anger but had difficulty acknowledging it even to himself. This strategy enabled him to attack others without ever having to take responsibility for his behavior.
No matter. He knew one of his best traits was his wickedly funny sense of humor. An unassuming man in his late forties. Like the week before. It was clear that Alan was depressed. Alan worked in the public sector as a civil servant. What was also clear was that Alan experi- enced a profound fear of others. Alan had repeatedly been passed over for promotion. Alan was a master of the passive-aggressive style. His private life was also unsatisfactory.
As he discussed the office atmosphere with his psychotherapist. At times he would smile as he reported some background maneu- vering he had done that had been successful.
What if they got angry? What if they retaliated? Though he was prized for his inside knowledge by some of his coworkers. Although he denied being a particularly angry person.
Consider an example. When we are passive-aggressive we disguise our aggression so that we can avoid taking responsibility for it. Rather than yelling at her aggressive. Not being able to find time to do the favor you promised. But there are.
Anxiety builds because we never know when someone will see through our passivity and confront us. In all cases you get your own way. We feel that we. The question is whether at some level we intended the bad outcome to happen. We may think our intentions were honor- able. Routinely showing up late for appointments. The emotional consequences combine the worst of both the passive and aggressive styles.
I really wanted to be on time. You manage to avoid being confronted by others who are affected. Are we almost always late? Do we repeatedly take on projects that we should know we will never complete?
If so. But was there a hint of satisfaction when things went wrong? Do we rou- tinely do the same things. Some people really are busy. The anger of the aggressive style and the fear of the passive style both have an influence. Here are some more examples of passive-aggressive behavior: Undermining coworkers by bad-mouthing them to the boss. This can be hard to figure out. Your employer has asked for a report by noon Fri- day. You get your way.
The passive-aggressive style is based on a misperception: If they try to confront you. Eventually oth- ers begin to see us as unreliable. Doing a household chore badly enough that someone else takes over. Self-esteem drops. Not every mistake. Although they may never be able to point to specific examples.
His style served him well as a child. This encouraged him to look more helpless than he really was. We might assertively request that someone speak to us in a kinder way. He got the attention of his par- ents and his older siblings.
Assertiveness is not a strategy for getting your own way. Whenever we go along with others it is our decision to do so anyway. He learned early that if he ever got into trouble someone would help him out or take over.
But it is our choice. They experience significant anger and a desire for control. Usually the person who overuses this style has a history that includes elements of both the passive and the aggressive styles. We express respect for the feelings and opinions of others without necessarily adopting their opinions or doing what they expect or demand.
We might choose to do so even if we would prefer to do something else. But we can often feel helpless because we forget that we are under our own control. Openly assertive or aggressive behavior may have been punished in the past.
This is the goal of the assertive style. When we behave assertively. This does not mean that we become inconsiderate of the wishes of others.
But we will acknowledge that whether they do any of these things is up to them—as indeed it is. There may also be a desire for rescue. We listen to their wishes and expectations. When he reached adulthood. If others annoyed him. If we are being assertive we may also express our preferences for the behavior of others.
All have negative effects on our relationships. And shame and guilt can build up from con- stantly letting others down. The Assertive Style None of the styles above is very satisfying. Surely there is some way for us to be in a relationship without denying either others or ourselves.
As well. It allows us to retain our self-respect without trampling that of others. Maybe they will become too aggressive if they used to be too passive or too passive if they used to be aggressive. It also leaves us wondering where the passive-aggressive style fits in. It acknowledges the right of other people to live their lives.
Many of us grow up without learning to use them effectively. And yet assertiveness offers many benefits: It allows us to relate to others with less conflict. That is. Although it allows others to think whatever they want to think about us.
The assertive style is elevated above all. Sometimes we are desperately afraid of conflict. It gives us control over our own lives and. In this diagram the passive-aggressive style is shown as a combination of the passive style and the aggressive style. It is the only strategy that really allows us and others to fully be in the relationship. It helps us to focus on the present situation. Assertiveness may mean hold- ing ourselves back from our automatic ways of doing things.
How Do the Styles Connect? Some people think of assertiveness as a middle ground between passivity and aggressiveness.
It increases self-confidence by reducing our attempts to live up to the standards of others and by reducing the need for approval.
It allows us to be relaxed around others. Sometimes we want to push other people to do our bidding. Of course. Most of the time. One More Style: For example. The passive-aggressive style involves being both passive and aggressive at the same time. The solution for people who alternate is the same as for those who over- use each of the other styles: Then they go back to being passive—until the next time. People start to view those who act in this manner as ticking time bombs.
Most of us use all of the styles at least some of the time.
People who behave in this alternating style are not being passive- aggressive. They have a huge aggressive outburst that looks like a temper tantrum. They behave passively and they get frustrated. This is the normal result of being too passive. Does that make me passive- aggressive? The main problem for people who swing from the passive to the aggres- sive style is usually that they are too passive.
The pressure would not build up in the same way and they would not reach the point of exploding. Eventually the frustration builds up until they cannot stand it anymore. But some peo- ple find that they swing from passive to aggressive with some regularity. If these individuals became more assertive. The lines show that the assertive style is distinct but related to all the others. This is normal to an extent.
In each row place a checkmark in the column that describes your usual style the best. If the exercise is accurate. Where Are You? Focus your efforts on these areas. You may be able to pursue your needs and inter- ests. The material on tolerating differences and allowing others to control their own behavior chapters 4. There are four col- umns: It will be a good idea for you to pay special attention to chapters 2 through 5.
We can all learn more. You probably have some negative beliefs about assertiveness that may be holding you back. Which Category Received the Most Checkmarks? If you saw parts of yourself in their histories. You are already assertive. There are five rows. Each found it valuable. Better assertiveness skills may be exactly what you need. None found the task easy.
These represent the behavior. This difficulty may stem from a fear of conflict. Although this is not a formal psychological assessment. As you go through the workbook. Pay spe- cial attention to the material on anger particularly chapter 2.
The material on giving your opinion openly chapter 8. Each of these people made a personal commitment to learn better assertiveness skills. This workbook may be very helpful for you. Which one? To give you an idea. And aggres- sive. When you are done. And passive-aggressive. And passive. But you may be using one of the styles much more than the others. They important and more justified your own way. Their than theirs. Express self.
You are responsible for your behav- ior. Theirs are silly. Resentment at the treat others. Resentment toward you win. You are not responsible express yourselves. Look o Make yourself large and o Usually mimics the pas.
Pleas oth. Eye con- avoid eye contact. Give others control over them. Apologize when you pid. Nonverbal down. You Yours are worthless. Fear of rises. Your contributions ers. Eye contact is sive style. Put yourself down fre. Voice tact is frequent. No one controls anyone else. You have equal rights to contributions are valuable. You have rights. Speak fixed and penetrating. Deny personal ryone will feel the same you disagree with others or opinions of others.
Goals o Avoid conflict. Deny that insult the needs. Reduced self-respect. Gain control over having to take responsibility. Allow others to hold feel differently.