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the Neuro-linguistic Programming Workbook For Dummies with Romilla, Kate co- authored and she is currently writing Coaching with NLP For Dummies. Welcome to the NLP workbook. This is the most comprehensive guide to Neuro-. Linguistic Programming available. It has all the main material to practitioner. Introduction. 7. About This Book. 1. Foolish Assumptions. 2. Characters in This Book. 2. How This Book Is Organised. 2. Part I: Setting Up Your NLP Journey. 2.
Your filters are unique, leading to your exclusive map of the world. Figure illustrates the way to separate a problem from an outcome. Susan Moritz Content Editor: Humans are continually wanting to achieve something. There is no failure, only feedback. For example:
Guess what? As you can read in Chapter 3, NLP adopts the principle that all people have different maps of the world. Even when two people share an experience, they notice different things, have different responses, and store different memories. You can then adapt the way you talk to people so that you make perfect sense in their maps of the world! Becoming more flexible in how you communicate is the key to developing exceptional influencing skills.
Turn to Chapters 4, 5, and 7 to find out how to use words and phrases so that someone whose patterns are dissimilar to yours can understand and respond. You may be amazed by what you can achieve with some subtle shifts in your language. Using rapport Rapport is that natural connection between people when all conversation seems to be effortless. Discussions flow easily and everyone has a sense of respect and underlying trust. Achieving Business Excellence with NLP You no doubt have some colleagues with whom you simply seem to get along well, and business conversations are just plain easy.
These people are probably most like you in terms of their patterns, and rapport happens naturally. With others at work, this kind of rapport is much harder to find.
Thanks to the modelling work of NLP pioneers, you can create good rapport in situations where it previously seemed difficult, and influence more effectively.
Find out all about rapport in Chapter 6, including how to use body language and words to attain it. Managing your emotions Humans are highly emotional beings. Powerful feelings are wonderful when they work for you. In business, many emotional states can be useful: Anger, anxiety, frustration, demotivation, and stress are some of the states I come across in business people, none of which supports best performance.
You may well have worked hard to control your emotions at times. Trying to manage or suppress a strong feeling is often a battle.
Yet having the capacity to choose how you feel, rather than have your feelings control your reactions and behaviour, is essential for success in: When you opt to modify your emotional response to a difficult situation, you can alter how you act and react and get a far more positive outcome.
Chapters 8 and 9 hold an array of approaches to changing your emotional responses to get the results you want. You can also use these techniques to coach others to change their emotional states when doing so is beneficial to them. The Difference That Makes the Difference Leading peak performance For business excellence, you need to get yourself and others working most effectively.
This is a leadership job. As you communicate more effectively with yourself and others, you can influence and lead excellence to achieve business success. Leading yourself Creating the life you want, including the kind of work and career that you desire, starts with self-leadership.
Leading yourself is about taking charge of your working life to get where you want to go. When you lead yourself well, you: Businesses depend on people. People need to be persuaded, motivated, and enthused to back new ideas and put their best into their jobs. Coaching others Coaching others to improve performance is considered increasingly important in business these days. The days of managers telling staff what to do, rather than coaching them to develop skills, may well be limited.
Many business leaders believe that NLP offers the most powerful coaching tool kit available today. Throughout this book you can discover insights and techniques for improved communication, as well as tools for personal change. All of these, including the specialist coaching models I present in Chapter 12, provide a wide array of approaches to incorporate in your coaching.
Giving feedback If performance improvement is important to you, then giving and receiving quality feedback is essential. In many organisations, feedback is still sparse and too infrequent. Feedback is all too often used only when bad news needs to be delivered, while praise and encouragement for a job well done are often overlooked. The Difference That Makes the Difference Handling difficult relationships Most people find certain situations or individuals at work challenging to handle and seriously detrimental to progress.
To get the best business performance, people need to be able to work well together and overcome difficulties and differences. The NLP models of master communicators identify what those with exceptional influencing skills do to change such relationships positively, and you can use their techniques to influence others.
Explore how to gain new insights into difficult relationships and build your flexibility to get the results you want in Chapter Improving business results Although the early NLP models were based on the study of individual excellence, they apply equally well to achieving great results across a business.
If you want to maximise business performance, this book offers many NLP tools that can serve you well. Creating vision, values, and goals All businesses have goals. Some have a vision. All have values, although they may not be the ones they say they have! Much the same can be said for the values. Applying NLP to the process of crafting vision, values, and goals brings a whole new perspective.
When a sensory description brings vision, values, and goals to life, people start to understand, anticipate, and align with them. To find out how to develop a compelling vision, meaningful values, and inspiring goals, look up Chapter This kind of goal is far more motivating to people within a business than is a brief description of financial targets. Business leaders frequently find major change difficult. Much of NLP has been modelled from successful personal transformation.
These models, when used to support organisational change — which of course depends largely on individual change — are equally powerful. Using NLP to create change within a business involves: The NLP logical levels model more on this in Chapter 15 determines the kind of changes individuals should make in order to achieve their goal. Changing the right things is the difference that makes the difference.
Modelling best performance Modelling is the essence of NLP. Understanding how you or someone else intuitively does something exceptionally well is a valuable skill in business. You can model exceptional performers in any discipline to determine precisely what they do that gets great results. You can then transfer this model to other people and other areas. Modelling is a very different approach to attempting to improve performance through standard skills training. Modelling identifies subtle thinking and behavioural processes that separate average and exceptional performances.
If you want to raise standards and do even more things well, find out how in Chapter Or does this way of thinking about whether you get what you want make little sense to you? Herein lies some of the essence of NLP: Noticing how you think about things. Being aware of how you use language to express your thoughts. Paying attention to how others think. And making changes as a result to reach your goals. Take a moment to consider the title of this chapter: Overcoming the barriers to success.
Except the phrase in the world of NLP is more than just a throwaway. It gives lot of clues about how the person who said it is thinking. Consider what you can assume, or presuppose, from this title. You can assume that success is possible. Barriers exist. The barriers are probably metaphorical rather than literal. You can overcome them. Getting success involves overcoming barriers, which suggests that barriers are a problem. Other unconscious thought processes may be wrapped up in this statement as well, although you may not be able quite to pinpoint them.
For example, you may be curious to know: Success at what? How big are the barriers? How many barriers exist? The Difference That Makes the Difference Paying attention to language and thought processes, being curious, and asking questions are all fundamental aspects of using NLP. In this chapter, you find out more about NLP tools and how to use them to help you overcome barriers to success in your work place. Working with NLP at Work Choosing to use NLP to support you in getting the success you want in your working life may be the best decision you ever made.
You really can overcome barriers, achieve exciting things, and realise your potential. NLP gives you a heap of wonderful tools and techniques. How well they work is up to you! NLP does require you to do some things that you may not be doing currently. These are summarised in the four pillars of NPL,which, are: I emphasise the importance of goals, or outcomes many times in this book.
Establishing an outcome, is all about knowing exactly what you want, in any situation. After you establish outcomes you stop thinking about the problems you no longer want or need to overcome and focus on the future. Paying close attention to the world around you with all your senses — sight, touch, hearing, as well as taste and smell — is a critical part of using NLP well.
As you develop your sensory awareness, you find out much more about how you and others act and react, and have the opportunity to make productive change. Everything you discover in this book gives you more options in how you think, what you say, and what you do.
Keep on changing what you do until you get what you want, and remember: For that you need quality relationships built on trust, mutual respect, and responsiveness — all of which indicate great rapport, the connection between two people that enables good communication.
As you find ways to create and deepen rapport with others, you can discover even more success. Chapter 2: But new approaches and skills rarely do. NLP can support you to reach for your elusive goals — things you want but somehow never achieve. Many organisations consider problem solving an important competence. The only problem with problem solving is that you tend to think long and hard about the problem, and therefore use the same thinking that created the problem in the first place.
What do I mean by this? Think of a scenario where two people get made redundant. Each has a different response: Response 1: I hate having nothing to do.
I need to get work before the money runs out. Both of these people have been made redundant, but which one of them experiences redundancy as a problem? Focusing on desired outcomes An outcome is the NLP word for a goal or something you want. Figure illustrates the way to separate a problem from an outcome. By moving away from where you are now, your present state, you can move towards where you want to be, your desired state.
Figure Moving from problem to outcome. Now Future Present state Desired state Problem Outcome You find out all about how to define your outcomes to ensure success in Chapter John, a regional manager for a retail pharmacy chain, regularly hired temporary pharmacists. John spent much of his time solving this problem from week-to-week. When John stopped grappling with the problem and set an outcome — a reliable group of pharmacists to provide weekly cover, which were easy to organise — his Chapter 2: Overcoming the Barriers to Success thinking, and behaviour, changed.
He then had guaranteed, reliable cover for his ten pharmacies at the same financial cost, and gained over eight hours back a week for himself to do his job more effectively. What do you see? What do you hear? What do you smell? What do you pay attention to? And even more importantly: What do you not see and hear?
NLP offers several techniques to expand your awareness of the physical world you inhabit and your inner world. Celebrating your senses You have five senses: With a little effort, you can use your senses to collect more helpful information for your conscious mind. Discover how to get more from your senses in Chapter 5. You also use your senses when you create or recreate things in your mind. So your memories and your thoughts are all formed with your senses. The Difference That Makes the Difference As you read about NLP, you realise the importance of having your senses on full alert and developing high sensory awareness of yourself and others.
How much more can you discover the next time you do that regular journey? You may be surprised that others can predict what you think, say, and do! But you too can use your awareness of your patterns to achieve success. Simply being aware of your patterns helps you to spot those times when habitual thinking and responses are actually less than helpful and become a barrier to your success.
NLP requires you to take notice of yourself and pay attention to: Getting to understanding your own thinking is a common theme in this book. Start with Chapters 5 and 7 to identify some of your patterns. Understanding how others tick To be truly successful in business, you have to work well with others. Understanding what makes other people tick can make all the difference. Overcoming the Barriers to Success 29 Curiosity is crucial.
When you start to be curious about other people and what leads them to speak and act as they do, you can be far more understanding and flexible when working with them. Recognising choices A while ago I received a call from my friend Alison. She wanted to cancel our planned evening out. This was the choice I opted for. I was pretty fed up too — I had been looking forward to seeing her and was disappointed to be let down yet again. For instance, I could sympathise with Alison and forget about my own needs for a good night out again.
A week later I heard from her. Alison was very excited. We agreed to meet the next evening — and we did! What work you do, where you live, who you love, and who you live with. So how come you seem to have no choice about a whole range of small things? Think about the everyday situations where you may think you have no or little choice: Well, not yet anyway!
NLP tools can help you build more flexibility into the way you go through life. Right now, your unconscious mind is running its habitual patterns: Your response is almost instant, as if your mind is programmed to respond in a particular way to a certain stimulus.
With NLP you develop the skill to change your habitual response. You extend the time between the stimulus and the response long enough to consider and evaluate more options.
Instead, the process becomes more like Figure shows. Programmed stimulus— response. Stimulus Response Chapter 2: Building choice into stimulus— response. Response Choice Response Choice With more choices you have flexibility. You can try something new. Discover many ways in which to think and act more flexibly throughout this book. In short, a good work relationship is having rapport. For much more on rapport, see Chapter 6. Other people are often some of the barriers to your success.
Not usually because they deliberately want to get in your way — although you may come across someone who appears directly obstructive from time to time. Other people unwittingly stop you achieving your goals for reasons including: Other people can have goals that conflict with yours. For example, you want extra budget to hire an additional person, but your boss wants to under spend budget to show his management capabilities and get promoted.
Other people can believe in, or value, things differently to you more on beliefs and values in Chapter 4 , For example, you need cooperation from a colleague to sell into a new market.
You think in different ways and therefore talk and act very differently, so you never seem to get agreement turn to Chapter 4 to explore this further. For example, you want to make some improvements and discuss all the benefits of change with colleagues. By being able to work well with people and get them on your side, your path to success becomes much smoother. Benefiting from NLP in the Work Place NLP is full of useful, easy to grasp approaches and tools with which you can make changes, influence more effectively and achieve much more.
With your newfound understanding of yourself and others, you can also help your colleagues to raise their game too. I certainly do. The difference between these people, as the process of NLP modelling discovers see Chapter 17 , is that people experience time in different ways, or patterns. In NLP, this is known as in-time.
These people are said to be through-time. As Figure shows, a person with an in-time pattern tends to see her future straight ahead and her past directly behind her. A person with a through-time pattern views her past and present as a continuum in front of her. In-time and through-time are just patterns. Neither is right or wrong, better or worse.
But both patterns can profoundly affect how someone appears to manage her day-to-day schedule. With the new perspective of in-time and through-time patterns, your reaction to someone delaying you or abruptly leaving you can be very different.
Start to tune your sensory awareness by noticing people operating in-time and through-time patterns. Future Past Present Figure In-time and throughtime perspectives. The Difference That Makes the Difference See Chapter 7 to explore other patterns that come into play in the work place. Transforming performance Getting the best out of people — including yourself — in an organisation has many benefits, not just better-quality work and results.
Getting the best out of yourself at work and transforming your own performance can help you overcome many of your personal barriers to success. These transformations can be in the smallest things yet still have really useful results.
Whether you just want to manage your e-mails better or achieve a major promotion, using the NLP tools in this book you can change the way you work until you get the outcomes you desire.
Taking charge NLP is all about taking charge of your thinking — finding out about your own thinking patterns and noticing when they become barriers to your success. This notion is a revelation to many people when they think about work. People increasingly experience not simply job changes but career changes throughout their working lives, some by choice, others not.
With the decline of certain industries and geographical shifts of manufacturing bases with increasing globalisation, employees these days must have greater flexibility. Yet still people are often quite passive about their career. Maybe you believe: Your boss or other key people at work may not be paying quite as much attention to your contribution as you want them to. The preceding beliefs also contain some particularly problematic words — they, should, need to, and must.
I examine these words and others in Chapter 12 and introduce you to ways in which you can challenge these beliefs. Are you taking charge of your own working life and achievements, or are you giving away that power to others? Ask yourself the following questions: Answering yes to any or all! NLP gives you all the help you need. Maintaining integrity NLP includes many tools and techniques to help you boost your communications skills. After all, if you can influence, persuade or inspire people more effectively you are far more likely to get what you want.
People new to NLP sometimes raise questions about the integrity of this approach. They wonder whether NLP enables people to manipulate others or gain personal advantage at the expense of others.
The Difference That Makes the Difference Unblocking the route to job satisfaction Greg, an international marketing director for a consumer goods company, asked me to coach him. He disliked his job. He was away from home far more than he wanted, was challenged by attempting to meet the needs of nine different business leaders in many different countries, and had little job satisfaction.
He hoped I could help him enjoy this job more. I coached Greg to find out what he really wanted instead of a job he disliked. Deep down Greg really desired work that meant more to him, He wanted to work for a charity, and make a contribution to the community. The kind of work he could feel proud of. However, Greg had a family and a mortgage and lived well. He just needed to find a way to get through each working days. Using NLP tools to help Greg get more insights and understandings, and to increase his choices, I coached Greg through some key changes in his thinking.
As a result he worked with his wife to identify how they could reduce their financial outgoings. He discovered that she was keen to return to work and earn an income again.
And he found out that there were several charities looking for skills just like his in salaried positions. Eight months later Greg had made the move, he worked in a job he loved, had modified a somewhat extravagant lifestyle, and never looked back!
If you have the intention to get ahead by acting without integrity towards others, then you probably do that whether you use NLP or not. Getting the full benefit from living with these principles requires you to assume, or presuppose, that each principle is true. Flexibility is important when you try the NLP principles on for size. However, what is true is that these NLP principles have been really useful to many people, in and outside of the workplace. You discuss issues, analyse problems, set objectives, and agree the next steps.
Some time later, you have another meeting. Additionally, someone else has done something quite different to what you agreed. The meeting ends, but in a subsequent meeting the cycle continues, with people not following through or doing something different to what they agreed. Sound familiar? The map is not the territory. In this expression, the word territory represents reality, what exists and what actually takes place.
The map is just a representation, such as a picture or a model, of that reality. This principle explains that what exists — and how you experience it — are two different things. For example: Every person has a different perception of reality, their map. Your reality is just that — your reality. As no two minds are identical, no one else shares that reality exactly.
Given the enormous amount of information bombarding your senses at any one moment, your brain has devised clever ways of filtering out most of this stuff before your system goes into overload and meltdown. See Chapter 4 for more on filters. Everyone has their own unique set of filters, resulting in unique maps. Responding according to your map You know that other people are different to you — some more so than others!
Others say what you think is the wrong thing at the wrong time. Their maps of the world drive their actions. Performance appraisals are an interesting example of these different maps. Say you give three people the same piece of feedback: These three different responses reflect three different maps. They also illustrate another NLP principle: People respond according to their maps. Everyone responds according to their individual map of the world.
Keeping this top of mind helps you understand more about people who act in ways that you find unhelpful or unacceptable. A colleague and I attended a training seminar. She had us doing lots of different exercises to familiarise ourselves with the material. I met some interesting people and discovered a lot of new, useful information. At the end of the day I asked my colleague how the seminar had been for him with bundles of enthusiasm at my good experience. He found the exercises excruciatingly embarrassing and her visual aids incomprehensible.
For him the entire day was a waste of time. Hard to believe we attended the same event! You may wonder or not understand: But rather than trying to figure out why which is usually fruitless , you can instead start to think differently about the things that others do.
This shift is part of another NLP principle: Every behaviour has a positive intention. The Difference That Makes the Difference Satisfying the need to feel confident and secure I ran a team event for a management group of a financial services organisation. The brief was to get the team working more effectively together, and aligned with the team goals and strategy. Penny, a senior team member, made numerous witty but scathing comments about her peers.
At lunch I took Penny aside and shared some feedback. From my perspective her behaviour was at odds with what the group was gathered together to do. I worked with Penny to explore the positive intention behind what she was doing. She was the newest member of the team, only recently promoted. For example, Penny identified two areas where she herself felt under-skilled and requested training. She worked out who she wanted performance feedback from — her boss, some internal clients, and a couple of peers.
When she received their feedback, she was surprised by its positive nature. Ten weeks later I worked with this team again to develop their leadership skills. The funny but critical comments regarding her team had disappeared. Best of all she still had her sense of humour, and used it to help the whole group have an enjoyable experience of the training. As a result the managers in the team were all talking more openly and the team spirit was much greater.
I then coached Penny to identify other ways to deal with her concerns. She later put these Simply, everything you do, you do for a reason. Humans are continually wanting to achieve something. A behaviour may be good — or quite the opposite — but an underlying positive intention runs through every choice. Often these positive intentions have an emotional element that may not be obvious. However, on closer examination, this child has an intention that is driven from some unconscious emotional desire for love, care, and security all positive concepts.
Instead, it gives you the option to think about the things that people say and do at work that seem destructive, and be curious as to what they hope to achieve by acting in that way.
Chapter 3: Notice how you currently think about this behaviour. You might be tempted to label the behaviour — or indeed on the individual. You might use words like critical, negative, lazy, aggressive. Labelling often gets really personal and includes identity-level descriptions, such as when you say out loud or in your head: From that position you may well be able to help him explore other ways of acting that could also achieve his positive intention.
Identifying your positive intention then gives you the choice to look for other ways to meet this need. You may be amazed by the changes you can make! You may even have experienced them yourself today or in the last week. You stop yourself doing certain things because of fear of failure. What fantastic job did you never apply for because you expected to fail to get the position? Failure becomes a state of mind. With thinking like that, guess what — you may well be right!
Eliminating failure A very different way of thinking, encompassed in NLP, can be much more liberating. This NLP principle states: There is no failure, only feedback. The language of business Organisations have a strong focus on success. Certainly success is assessed by criteria that important stakeholders, such as shareholders, set, or in the case of public bodies, the government of the day.
The same is also true of individuals working in organisations. Their performance is similarly measured and judged against budgets and earlier years, and often against the performance of others. In the current climate of change, unless you have truly mystical powers you have little chance of setting and successfully achieving ten-year goals. Given the economic, technological, and global political changes of the last decade, who can predict what environment you may be operating in in the future?
This principle is a very powerful concept. When you consider the results and outcomes of your efforts merely as feedback, you have much more choice about what to do next. Treating the results of your efforts as information, rather than judging them, gives you the chance to adapt and to achieve what you want. The idea of failure drains energy and motivation — feedback can do the opposite. Next time you have a setback, rather than criticising yourself or labelling yourself or the situation as a failure, ask yourself some questions: From others?
From myself? From other sources? Utilising NLP Principles at Work Taking responsibility for communicating well Getting others to hear, understand, and react to what you say is a big challenge in business, where influence is key and misunderstandings are rife.
Adopting the following NLP principle helps you change how you think, what you do, and the results you get: The meaning of the communication is the response it gets. Moving from failure to feedback to achievement Steve was a sales executive selling computer networking systems to businesses. His manager asked me to spend some time with Steve, who had a good track record in another division, to find out what was happening.
Steve explained to me how he worked. Early on, Steve started to feel he was failing.
Eventually, Steve decided he was a failure. By encouraging Steve to focus on his sales figures as merely feedback, I was able to help him separate himself from his sense of failure. He was able to analyse what he did differently in his better-performing months and implement more of these behaviours in his work day.
He shadowed a colleague to find out how she worked. He started to make changes in his attitude, style, and approach. The Difference That Makes the Difference Instead, when you think of the response to your message as just feedback or information, you are able to take responsibility for the communication.
Blaming other people for their response is no longer viable. After all, influencing other people is critical to your success at work. The feedback helps you to be more flexible and try something else until you get the response you desire.
Another NLP principle says: You cannot not communicate. The words humans use form a very small part of communication. Tone of voice and body language often say much mo re than the words people use. Even silence can be communication. See Chapter 5 for more ideas on the numerous ways in which people communicate. He was avoiding her, not responding to messages, and answering emails only when absolutely necessary. By asking more questions and digging further, I heard that Sarah and her boss had had a big disagreement over strategy the previous week.
By not talking to Sarah, the boss was communicating very clearly — if not very professionally — his dislike of conflict and his frustration at the situation. We have many capabilities and the potential to do phenomenal things. In the last 50 years humans put man on the moon, combined gramophones and cameras into handkerchief-sized mobile phones, and created truly global businesses.
Can you think of something you want to do? Maybe you want to: Do you believe you can do it? Well, others have done all these things, so why not you? Another powerful principle behind NLP says: People have all the resources they need. Think about this principle within the context of your job. However, you do have the resources to discover and develop new resources.
And you have the resources to find good external resources. So someone running his own small business, for example, may not easily acquire the skills of financial management, but he can still find and use a good accountant. When I went on my first skiing holiday at the age of 35, I thought it would also be my last.
Neither cold nor exercise was my thing, and potential limb-breaking activity was a real no-no. Despite all that, I ended up on a snowy mountain like an over-dressed, over-mature Bambi — and I had the time of my life. However, to my astonishment, I did have the resources to overcome my fears just enough , to pay for some expert tuition in ski school, and to put my body into positions never before imagined. Building Flexibility to Make Changes You may know the story of the English speaker on an overseas trip.
Unable to speak the local language, he continues to repeat the same English phrase — loudly — in the hope of being understood. I thought it was a parody until I started travelling and witnessed it for myself! The reaction of the locals? They just keep on looking bemused and shrugging their shoulders. The Difference That Makes the Difference Being flexible is not about compromise or giving in to others. Rather, flexibility comes from having a number of alternatives to how you approach an activity or conversation, in order to make sure you get the best possible outcome.
Some years ago there was a dreadful storm in the south of England, causing unprecedented damage and uprooting millions of trees. A colleague and I both lived in the same part of town and both wanted to attend an important meeting that day.
My colleague found trees blocking her route to work and turned around and drove home. I encountered the same obstacles, turned around and drove to a train station on the one route that had remained in operation and headed towards the location of our office. After a train ride and minute walk I arrived for the meeting and achieved all I wanted to do.
Dawn takes on everything people ask of her. She inevitably ends up with too much to do. So she does what she always does: Repetitive, unproductive behaviour occurs in workplaces all over. For example, I work frequently with companies where structured weekly or monthly meetings are the norm — yet for many they serve no useful purpose.
What these organisations — perhaps you — need comes from another NLP principle: This notion seems so simple, so obvious — yet this is so often not what people do. The key is flexibility. When others are involved, as they inevitably are in business, being more flexible than the other people gives you the best possible chance of getting what you want.
This is summarised in the NLP principle that says: In any system, the person with the most flexibility controls the system. This principle does not intend to suggest that you control others, and there are no guarantees that you can control what happens. Rather, having a range of choices in how you try to achieve your outcome sure gives you a good prospect of doing so. It may sound technical, describing some complex computing or engineering work.
Actually, a system is just something that only exists as a result of the interaction of various things. For instance, the natural environment is a system. So is your body, your business and your family. Each is made up of various parts that interconnect and work tog ether in some way. You can think of your working relationships as systems.
You have many ways to behave more flexibly in order to get the result you want through negotiation with a colleague. In Part II of this book, I explore a whole range of new ideas. Some initial ways to act with great flexibility include: Can you see a way to make it work?
For instance, if this is something that you are very excited about, slow down, breathe deeply and speak more calmly and assertively than you naturally would. Illustrate and emphasise your point of view rather than just using words Choosing to have choices Choice is a critical aspect of flexibility and this NLP principle sums it up: Choice is better than no choice.
Business people tell me quite frequently that they have to stay in their current job or career, for reasons such as: Well, recalling them was for someone with a memory like mine!
Your desk, wallet, bathroom mirror, or car dashboard are all good places to post this list. In fact, feel free to use this sidebar as your personal copy of the principles.
They think they have only one choice — and one choice is no choice at all. When they start to think more broadly, they may find that they have many more choices than they originally imagined: Most people can buy in to some more than others.
For example, trying to fathom the positive intention of the guy who snatches your bag on the way to work challenges the best of us. The choice is yours. However, one of the pillars of NLP is behavioural flexibility, and therein lies the challenge. So, test the NLP principles in this chapter for yourself. You may need to consciously remind yourself of the NLP principles for a while before thinking this way becomes second nature. Start with those that appeal to you the most.
After all, there is no hierarchy of importance in them. Which you work with first, or most, is up to you. For example, if the idea that everyone has a different map of the world, or perception of reality, is a new and interesting way of thinking for you, keep that top of mind. Next time you notice someone responding to a situation in a very different way to how you would, remember that person has a different way of thinking to you, an alternative map.
How does it change how you think and feel about that person and their behaviour? I also delve into how to manage emotional states and motivate others — and yourself! Being good at what you do almost always includes being able to relate to other people well, irrespective of your other abilities and skills. Good leaders use strong communication skills to persuade, inform, inspire, motivate, give feedback to, and engage others. Effective team members are those who can negotiate, collaborate, and get along with others to progress towards team goals.
NLP founders John Grinder and Richard Bandler discovered that great communicators all had a number of things in common: Winning People Over Communication involves a minimum of two people interacting with each other. People interact through a variety of channels and in many different ways — face to face, on the phone, through dancing, e-mails, letters, touch, and more.
As I described in Chapter 2, there are many things which you may not currently be noticing. Letters, face-to-face meetings, telephone calls, and faxes all still happen. Yet so many more channels bombard workers today as new communications continue to be introduced, including SMS messaging, mobile phones, video-conferencing, and so on. Even if you sit behind a computer most of the day, you probably spend a huge amount of time using this piece of hardware to communicate with others.
Surprisingly, only 7 per cent of what people respond to comes from spoken words.
Chapter 4: Communicating the full message. Chapter 5 explores the roles of body language and tone further. A humorously intended comment in an e-mail, written with a smile on your face, may not be received with humour by your reader. Face to face, the recipient can see your smile and hopefully understands your joke. Focusing on people power As the western world continues to shift industry emphasis away from manufacturing towards service-, retail- and leisure-based businesses, polished communication skills become increasingly important.
The focus of business is less and less on making things and more and more on interacting with a customer, supplier, business partner or the community. Of similar importance is communicating within and across an organisation, whether a company, a public body or a not-for-profit organisation. The Oxford English Dictionary includes people in its definitions of these two modern workplaces: An organised body of people with a particular purpose, for example, a business.
A number of people gathered together. In my experience, the biggest barriers to success in organisations are misunderstandings, difficult relationships, and blaming. All these are peoplecentred issues.
Building Working Relationships That Work When I work with groups that have open communication, that give people the chance to contribute and influence, and that motivate and support one another, good things happen.
The employees are engaged, energised, creative, and willing.
And funnily enough, these groups typically achieve their goals and more. For example, when you communicate with someone else: External behaviour Person 1 Figure The response— behaviour cycle. Internal response Person 1 Internal response Person 2 External behaviour Person 2 To envision the response—behaviour cycle in action, imagine your boss congratulates you on a recent job well done.
You feel good as a result of the praise your internal response. You smile, thank her, and add that you only did it with her good leadership and support your external behaviour. She flushes pink, stammers slightly, and changes the subject her external behaviour.
Understanding More, Achieving More through Communication In this example, the response of the boss — embarrassment — was not what you were intending to create when you thanked her.
Lots of people would have been delighted to receive such feedback. However, we are all different, and can have quite different reactions to the same experience. Read more about this in the later section: Working with Different Maps of the World. This involves: Think about how the process of communicating with others connects to the following five principles: Even if you sit through a meeting without saying a word, your body language will be speaking for you!
If someone is offended by a remark you made, it becomes offensive even when your intention had only been to make them laugh. When you take responsibility for the effectiveness of your communications, should you not persuade someone to do what you had hoped, that is useful information. Adapting your approach, like the master communicators, is the key to getting different results. When you are flexible and ready to try different things, you are more likely to convince or prompt others to follow your ideas.
Your thoughts give signals to others — what you think, believe, value, and want. Your map of the world guides your thoughts. Given that everyone receives and processes information differently, understanding how someone else sees things differently to you can be extremely helpful.
Some researchers contend that people face up to 2 billion bits of information every second. In fact, over 50 years ago Professor George Miller, an American psychologist, claimed that the conscious human mind can deal with a finite number of pieces of information at once. The number? The clue was in the title of his paper: Seven Plus or Minus Two. So, your brain selects what it consciously and unconsciously takes in — what you see, hear, feel, smell, and taste at any point.
How does it do this? Through very sophisticated filtering systems that develop into patterns over time.
Your filters are unique, leading to your exclusive map of the world. As you pay attention to what you see, hear, or feel, you compare experiences with your own patterns of behaviour.
As a result, you may feel irritated or demotivated. For your boss, this checking behaviour may mean that she wants your work to be presented at its best to others so she can help get you a promotion. When you stop and remember that someone else has a different map of the world to you, you have more choices in how you react.
In the example of the boss checking your work, if you find out more about her map of the world, or just decide for yourself that there could be a number of reasons for her behaviour, some of which would be to your benefit, you may well start to feel quite differently about the situation.
Simon, a leader I was coaching, complained of a lack of cooperation from Tom, a member of his team. When Simon asked him to do something, Tom often replied with a brief e-mail saying who he had delegated the task to.
However, Tom was delegating so he could keep focused on his own schedule and thought his boss would value his use of initiative to ensure the jobs were completed quickly. Creating individual maps People put a wealth of different kinds of filtering systems to work, unconsciously, to form the maps from which they develop their individual patterns.
I introduce these filters in the following section, and you can delve more deeply into some of these in Chapters 5 and 7. Deletion Given the bombardment of stimuli that you receive at any one time, you quickly develop the ability to delete much of the information in your surroundings.
This is a natural process that starts very early on in life. As you read this book, are you aware of the feeling of the book in your hands? Until I direct your attention, these very real experiences may well have been some of the information that your system was filtering out and deleting, without you ever knowing.
These are known as modalities. Each modality has its own level of fine-tuning known as submodalities. For example, a picture can be bright or dull, black and white, or in colour; a sound can be loud or soft and so on. This can be done by assessing the submodalities in negative memories you have and appreciating the qualities of that memory.
Being able to associate into and dissociate out of a memory gives you the power and control to understand the intensity behind any feelings you have in response to that situation. Follow these steps to squash those limiting beliefs and replace them with helpful constructive opinions. This way you can end up seeing them in a different and more positive light. Think of a limiting belief that you have and make a note of the picture that comes to mind.
Look at the picture that is presented by this belief that is no longer true. Need help? Then picture the sun rising, or whatever belief you choose. This may be the opposite of your limiting belief, just stated in the positive. Change the submodalities of the limiting belief from Step 1 into those of the belief that is no longer true for you in Step 2.
Change the submodalities of the belief you would rather have from Step 4 into those of the belief which you are absolutely certain of from Step 3. Neuro-Linguistic Programming provides some basic positive assumptions and constructive convictions about the world.
A few are listed here, take a look and try playing with these in your mind to see if any of them speak to you. The person with the most flexibility influences the outcome of any interaction. Cheat Sheet. Creating Well-Formed Outcomes in Your Life You can drive yourself towards want you want to achieve effectively by assessing how your life is currently, and then begin deciding where you want to go and what you want to accomplish — the key to getting there is to weigh up all the aspects surrounding your life goals before settling on them.
State your goal in positive terms. What do I want? Self-initiate and maintain your goal. Am I doing this for myself or someone else? Does my goal depend solely on me? Ensure your goal is appropriately contextualised. Where, when, how, and with whom do I want it? Describe the evidence that will emerge from the procedure. What will I be doing to get my goal?
What will I see, hear, and feel when I have it?